Flip Flop: i think I just changed my mind.

Flip Flop… see the tugging never stops. The strings are taut with strain. Flip Flop… Conscience can’t decide which way to turn. My mind is flippin coins, sitting on a broad compound for a fence.

You see I thought I’d forgive you. Flip Flop. I thought I’d let it all go. Flip Flop. I thought I’d let you in on another chance. Flip. And then I changed my mind.

Because someone listed out some Important Things To Forget and if I ever wondered why the Universe never spoke to me, it finally relented, in an eight paragraph long, one sided conversation. You always said I never listened, well this time, I did. I listened to the Universe as it spoke to me and a hundred other girls like me for what could be the first and the last time. There’s a ‘hurt me once-hurt me twice’ quote doing the rounds, something about who’s fault it will be if I let it happen again. Something on the lines of the age old ‘God helps those who help themselves’ theory. So I changed my mind and decided to forget instead.

As I write this, I am beginning to forget how you changed my life without my permission. Without asking me if you were welcome in it. I’m willing to forget how you intruded. I’m beginning to finally shed the weight of your choices. Your pain and your recklessness. I’m willing to unsing the violence you brought into my thoughts. Letting go of how lonely it felt being around you, and how beautifully you shone. I forget how you lynched the last remaining trail of trust I was fool enough to leave in your bidding. I’m willing to forget how your actions, oh your actions, were in spastic coordination with your words, how you were nothing you claimed your soul to be. I begin to forget how unpretty you think my mind is. Of how weak you think I have been to let the monsters of my past win. I’m willing to forget how brutally unloved I felt around you. How brash you were with your words, how delusional with your ideas of freedom, how fickle with your promises and how painfully encapsulated in little pieces of your past you are, that I had to struggle to hold on, to keep the pieces from flailing away, and with them, you too.

I have my demons, yes those, the ones you held out in front of me with self proclaimed authority over them, as reasons for my slow demise. But fuck that, because I’m going to forget that too. See, the funny thing is, if somebody told me this story, I’d be shaking my head in disapproval. ‘Why has it taken you so long?’ I’d ask.
So I’m going to forget your lies, your hot coal for a temper, your anger, your choices, your decisions and what they did to us. So that someone like you can never blame me for letting jerks ruin my life ever again.

See I thought love could conquer it all. Flip. Flop. I thought time can truly change people. Flip. Flop. I thought I could respect the connection I shared with you because I believe so strongly in the Universe’s tricks. Flip. Flop. I thought, I could fuck all those juicy instincts that ring every fucking bell inside me in mournful warning of your words ninety percent of the time, I thought I could fuck those bells, fuck those instincts and fuck that childhood that takes me closer to people like you. Because in the end, love is truly all that matters. Flip.

And then I decided I matter more than you and me and all the bullshit love this world can offer.

So take care fading memory. You deserve the inspiration I never gave you, the ambition you never found in me, the courage I stomped over and all the fun you could never fucking have around me. You deserve it all.

Flip.

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