it brings me to tears to witness how lost I am. How could I have wandered off so far that I no longer recognize this face, this walk, this body. I am nothing but an obese excuse for everything I could never have been. Or maybe I could. i saw you in the mirror today and my heart broke. I don’t want to look like you. Those big heavy eyes, that bright and smiling face that’s all a lie. I don’t want to look like you. I just don’t.
Today I stay away. From you. From thoughts of you. Because you pull and tug at my insides so much that it hurts. And I can’t figure out if I hate you or if it’s pity I feel. But I am consumed with a great big looming sadness. One that I know could well be the end of me.
I cannot recognize the patterns that used to work. I know no Universe that can deliver me. I know no silence that can help me surrender. I do not know a god, no afterlife, and I do not know reason too. I most honestly, and vulnerably so, know nothing. Recognize nothing. Cannot tell from now to then. All that rings real to the soul is Gratification. It’s the only truth that makes any sense. There is no truer god than Gratification. I see the world moving, galloping, and pacing forward with a God that I have come to find within all. Gratification. And even this god makes me loathe existence.
How can any of this be what it is.
So faithlessly I walk on. Everyday accepting more of the nothingness that I have become. Gulping down the choking thunder that screams another violent truth. I have lost. And so I bow down to yet another reality I am confronted with. That I am books and novels and songs and pages and endless pages of words that may never be written.
I realize I must’ve have really walked away, a little too far this time. Because you looked at me with those crazzzy eyes and that beautifully false smile through the mirror today, and I held back a scream.
I have wandered too far away this time around. And you have won.