I want to say that I would want it to be different. I want to say that I want it to be better.
I want to say, that I wish you could have been better…
What I really want to say is that I want it all to go away. I wish the beatings never started, I wish the lies never had to be conceived, the relationships never had to be severed.
What I want to say is that I wish cities didn’t have to be left behind, memories didn’t have to be forced out and the screams… I want to say I wish I had never heard that first scream that escaped my mouth. That I wish I hadn’t had to beg her not to cry, that the presents didn’t seem pointless to you, that the poetry made you understand it was wrong.
I want to say that I wish someone reached out. Someone spotted the bruises, someone noticed the swollen cheeks. I want to say that I wish the system recognized a hurting child. That a teacher hugged in silence. That somebody, anybody noticed, that something was not right.
I want to say that I wish you had chosen better, wish you had felt real love, understood what real love meant. That I wish you didn’t hate so much, carry so much, forget so much.
What I really want to say, is that I wish we could have been happy. That we could have grown up right, that I could feel the comfort that comes with love and kin. That I didn’t have to carry so much. That I could’ve been better. I could’ve been healthier, happier, normal? I want to say that I could have been anything, not because of what was, but everything I chose to be.
But who am I kidding? Without it all, where would the awkward go, where would the pain go, where would the lost childhood go, how would the chaos set in and where would the journey for peace ever have begun.
I want to say that I wish every little detail was different. But really, I cant.
So thank you.